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The front page of the Cape Argus on Wednesday was about the residents who live near the mountainside in Cape Town paintballing the baboons. It had this lame hardcore headline “Man vs. Beast in Paintball War”. How can it be a war of the monkeys are not even fighting back? 

Suburban residents from Constantia, Tokai, Kommetjie and Scarborough now all have their own respective “Baboon Patrols” who move in groups of about 35 suburban moms, dads and grandparents all on the intricate mission to splat a devious monkey.

Image from IOL Cape Argus. A resident loads pellets into her paintball gun
As the baboons get smarter, the people get dumber. What’s he gonna do if a baboon jumps in there? I don’t think being stuck in a bin with an hungry ape is a good idea buddy.
No one comes between a baboon and his Tinkies

This issue also had a full centre-fold article further in the newspaper. Capetonions complain a shit lot about the dumbest things or even the hint at the slightest change to their beloved Cape.

SAN Parks, NSPCA and the Cape Nature Reserve have given these humble mum and dads the full on permission to use paintball guns to scare away the baboons or to use it if their are seen raiding their refrigerators and pantries for their Tinkies and left-over noodles from last week.

Looks like it’s just bacon and toast for breakfast today.
The crime scene after a baboon has raided your Kellogs Box

Baboons are nasty I’ll give them that, they are wild animals and can be scary. Not all the Cape baboons have evolved into kitchen raiders, apparently it’s just a few troops who have smartened up and have developed a keen taste for the produce from Woolies and Pick ‘n Pay. With that in mind, they couldn’t more Capetonian than their human neighbours.

To be fair, Cape Town has been the homes of the baboons before the development of prime real estate near the mountains. It’s something the fickle residents just have to live with and accept. They are complaining about the nature, and if they are so “traumatised” why don’t they just move? The mountains and surrounding areas provide the right environment and food for the monkeys.

There’s lots of wide open spaces that are monkey-free away from the mountains…..but I guess those areas are not considered as nice as they refused to make all suburban areas as pleasant as theirs. And whose fault is that? Certainly not the monkeys! Live with the consequences I say.

In the 1990s they employed an ape expert to help with the problem. She integrated baboon monitors to help keep the monkeys away from the residential areas. This still was not enough, and in 2007/8 somehow these residents were able to obtain funding from government’s poverty relief program to get more monitors for their baboon balloon!

So while a child goes hungry, they can peacefully rest at night in their snug neighborhood while their Woolies cupcakes and low-fat salads are safe.

This whole situation is shit stupid. Paint balling the baboons is technically harmless and its a safe way to shoo them off and that’s why it has been approved. These baboon patrollers now go walking around in their crocs, peak caps and shorts colouring any ape seen near the area.

If the paintballing is successful, by December there will be a new kind of Cape coloured round here with hues of neon pink, orange, purple, blue and green with furry tails….and a preference for Woolies greek salads over a peri-peri vienna and chip parcel from Aneesas.

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